Broternal Order Of Different Helmets/Sensitive to Be's

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Honstlar and Gfd attend a questionable cult seminar, and learn how to motivate and inspirate their owndangselves!

{Cut to the Pillquarters Metallix interior. Honstlar walks in.}
{{hn}} Please be seated, fellow members of the Brotherly Band of Boisterous Bonnets!
{{sr}} I don't think that's—
{{hn}} Nah, 's fine. I legally changed our order's name {shows legal documents} to the Brethrenly Bond of Whatever I Just Said.
{{gf}} So why'd you call this emergency meeting?
{{hn}} I have an important announcement! Today, Boyish Barrage of Beneficial Bowlers... today is the day you've all been waiting for!
{{ev}} I haven't been waiting for anything.
{{hn}} Oh yes you have. You just don't know it yet.
{{sp}} So what'm is'm?
{{hn}} The walls have been repainted! Today, we're going to look at the wall and stare at it 'til it dries.
{Everyone turns their chair and looks toward the wall. Cut to the wall. Nothing seems to be happening. Slow music plays. This continues for several seconds.}
{Suddenly, static cut to a screen showing cartoonish drawings of the BODH against a colorful background, with text reading:}
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The Broternal Order of Different Helmets will be right back after these messages.
{Cut to Honstlar and Gfd, watching TV with bored expressions}
{{gf}} Finally, commerciables! I thought we'd never get a break from this garbage. What kinda show is this, anyway?!
{Cut back to the TV screen, which now shows Balding Man against a newspaper background}
ANNOUNCER: Are you struggling with chronic cheesing or vehement choosing?
{Thought bubbles reading "cheesing" and "choosing" appear on the left and right sides of Balding Man, respectively}
ANNOUNCER: Well, depressing middle-aged man, your troubles end today!
{Balding Man smiles as the thought bubbles disappear}
{Cut to the blue commercial screen from The Next April Fools Thing, with the seminar's title at the top. The theme plays.}
ANNOUNCER: Come along down to the Always Be's Do'sing 3-Day Life Cleanse Seminar, where YOU can learn all the tips and tricks to living a choose-free lifestyle!
{Four images appear at the bottom as the announcer says each thing}
ANNOUNCER: Featuring motivational and/or inspirational activities including: Repetitive chanting! Rhyming platitudes! Anti-cheesing activities! Plate tectonics! Absolutely everything you and your cooler friends need to learn about the ABCs of ABDs! But don't take my word for it, let's hear from our cult leader— er, movement founder, Homestar Michael Runner!
{Cut to Homestar at what appears to be a press conference, in front of a podium with a microphone, with "Always Be's Do'sing" tiled on the wallpaper behind him, as cameras flash}
{{hr}}  You are absolutely right, announcerm'n! If you be's... it'll be a breeze. And if you do's... um, you'll learn to... tie your shoes. Right? If it rhymes, it's non-questionable fact and advice for a healthy lifestyle!
ANNOUNCER: That's absolutely correct!
{Cut back to the blue screen, but the title has changed}
ANNOUNCER: Only this week at the All-The-Times Do's Be'sing 3-Time Life Time Whatevermachine! At Bubsmfort Inn & Suites Conference Center! {the logo appears} Where, due to popular demand, we do serve omelets at the hotel breakfast bar!
{Cut to various quick shots of people be'sing and do'sing at the seminar}
ANNOUNCER: That's right! Come on down, before we run out of room! I mean, this place is filling up fast.
{Static cut to the BODH, drawn in cartoony styles, with the text:}
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Broternal Order of Different Helmets!
{Cut to Gfd and Honstlar, still watching TV, with wide eyes and gaping jaws}
{{hn}} {holds up an overflowing suitcase} I'M ALREADY PACKED!
{Gfd pulls out the remote}
{Cut to Honstlar putting his foot on the pedal}
{Cut to Gfd holding the Jambox}
{The Pillmobile theme from Coach E's Happy Stay In Mortality Day starts playing as the vehicle speeds towards the Con Center. The Pillmobile crashes into the building, and the two guys run to room 103}
{{hr}}  And that's why pants are important.
{{gf}} Why does everyone seem to be talking about pants when we walk in on their talkabouts?
{{hn}} That's just the way the world works, ol' Garbles.
{{hr}}  Look at that, fellow be's do'sers, we have some new members joining the team! Why don't you two weird-looking creatures introduce yourselves?
{{hn}}  I am be'sing Honstlar.
{{gf}}  And I am do'sing an introduction where I, Gfd, introduce myself as Gfd!
{{hr}}  Excellent Bs and Ds! And now, for the next hour or so, I will talk about how you can embrace do'sage into your life.
{{gf}} This is so excitementationing!
{{hr}}  First-offly, be'sing and/or do'sing is the key to a happier, healthier you! Allow me to demonstrate...
{Cut to backstage, where Grindolo and The Pretender are hiding. Grindolo is dressed as a triangular cheese with holes in it, and The Pretender is holding signs labelled "OPTION #1" and "OPTION #2" in each hand, with a question mark printed on his robot chest.}
{{gd}} Yes, I'm sure these disguises will work. Now let's rehearse our lines.
{{pr}} "I'm the Cheeser, and we're taking over this seminar!"
{{gd}} No, no, no, it's all wrong! I'm the Cheeser, you're the Chooser! See your signs? You need to choose between the options! Choosing!
{{pr}} Sorry, the Cheeser. One more time...
{Cut back to Homestar}
{{hr}}  ...and therefore, they were given two million dollars.
{Cut to the audience, with bored expressions and poses, and back to Homestar}
{{hr}}  Thank you, everyone! You're a great crowd. Now let's test your be's/do's score with these be's/do's activities!
{{gf}} Ooh, activities! Sounds like that could be fun.
{{hr}}  First off, we'll be be'sing putting a head on a horse!
{Cut to a horse made of everyday objects sitting at the front of the room, with brooms for legs, pipe cleaners for hair, etc. Homestar holds up a can with googly eyes.}
{{hr}} Okay you guys, whoever puts on this head first is the winner of the ultimate championship of the universe! Or something. {throws the can into the audience}
(A fight breaks out and Gfd just shrugs it off and puts the can on the horse.)
{{gf}}  I am be'sing the winner!
{{hr}} No, no, and last but not least, no. That may have been the most blatant example of cheesing I have witnessed in my thousand-year career!
{{gf}} All right. I'll try again. {puts the can on the horse again}
{{hr}} Absolute perfection. You have the strength of a true do'ser! Next but not least, we'll be doing an activity wherein we all determine what we are currently be'sing and do'sing.
{{gf}} {throws a plate of food on the ground and stands on it} I am be'sing on your breakfast... {gets out a cane and top hat} ...and do'sing an old-timey vaudeville dance!
{{hr}} Excellement! Anyone else care to try?
{{hn}} I am be'sing on a nut log while do'sing the can-can!
{{hr}} Fantastic!
{{gf}} I am be'sing a macadamia— {turns into a macadamia}
{{hr}} And do'sing...?
{{gf}} {whispering} Shh. Macadamias can't talk.
{{hn}} Why do you always turn into macadamias?
{{hr}} And why is there a green fruit on this chair?
LIME: {with Bubs's voice} I am be'sing a lime, and do'sing a rhyme!
{{hr}} Magnifical!
{{hn}} People! People! Stop turning into food!
{{hs}} I'm be'sing a gumbo train, {turns upside down} and do'sing the barnyard!
{{hn}} Wish I could do the barnyard. {looks around} Hey, where's Homestar?
{A loud crash is heard}
{{hn}} What the crap?!
{Cut to a giant whale wearing Homestar's hat}
WHALE: {with Homestar's voice} I'm be'sing a giant beluga whale, and I am do'sing damage to this room.
{Onion Bubs is seen on a chair}
ONION BUBS: {Bubs's voice} I am be'sing an onion, and—
{A crowd cheers}
{{hn}} Jeez, how are you guys even doing this? First you were a lime, now you're an onion... Gfd was a macadamia... Homestar was a whale... it's almost—
{{gf}} {eats Onion Bubs}
{{hn}} GFD! YOU JUST ATE BUBS!! And even more importantly, ONION BUBS!!
{{gf}} {shrugs} He tasted like an onion.
{{hn}} What a surprise. Well, let this be a lesson to you. If you turn into things spontaneously, you could—
{Cut to a giant table covered in dishes of food}
TABLE: {Coach Z's voice} I'm be'sing a free seven-course gourmet buffet!
{{hn}} Whatever.
{Cut to Senor Cardgage. Zoom in to the Family Might/Could.}
FAMILY MIGHT/COULD: I am be'sing a cheeseball's gravestone, and do'sing a financial success.
{{hr}} Okays, now to wash the image out of our eyes, time for a StrengthSpot presentation!
{{gf}} Aw man. StrengthSpot presentations are so boring. I prefer Strudel Rides, myself.
{Homestar pulls down a projector screen and the first slide appears. It reads "The Secrets of a Be'ser and Do'ser".}
{{hr}} Now, some of you may be asking, "Homestar Runner, where's the hotel cafeteria?". I'll tell you after the presentation, it's not relevant right now. Others of you may be asking, "Homestar Runner, how can I become a great be's-do'ser?". Well, now I'm going to tell you exactly how!
{Homestar walks over to a computer and presses a button. A long transition plays between slides. "Ooh"s and "ah"s are heard in the audience, which become unenthusiastic after a few seconds. The next slide reads "What is cheesing and choosing?"}
{{hr}} So, first off, what is cheesing and choosing?
{Pause. Crickets are heard.}
{{gf}} Um... aren't you going to tell us?
{{hr}} Oh, that wasn't a rhetorical question. I'm asking you.
{{hn}} You really don't know what cheesing and choosing are?
{{hr}} I just kinda chose those words 'cause they rhymed with stuff. You know how it is.
{Gfd stands up}
{{gf}} Well, at least in my mind, "cheesing" always referred to, you know, getting frustrated or mad. Like, you know how people say "cheesed off". So "cheesing" must be similar. As for "choosing", I've interpreted that as... uncertainty. Like, you need to know your options, you can't be uncertain or laid-back about anything. So, basically, "never cheesing and choosing", at least what I think, means "don't get mad or be uncertain", which makes sense, because this is supposed to be motivational. Agressiveness and uncertainty are not very motivational.
{{hn}} Whoa. Never thought Gfd could say such words.
{{hr}} That's, um, exactly what I was going to say! Yeah! Totally! You get a gold star. For the next slide...
{He switches to the next slide}
{{hr}} Here's a slide from my trip to Legoland, this has nothing to do with this seminar, so let's move on to the next slide.
{The next slide appears}
{{hr}} According to this chart I got in my Blubb-O's Value Meal, costumes make any seminar tooty-two% better, so here come the costumes! {puts on sunglasses} I'm be'sing a be'ser! {puts on a bowler hat and a bow tie} Now I'm be'sing a do'ser! Anyones else?
{{gf}} I'm the Be'sing Bee!
{{sb}} {offscreen} Hey, I'm the bee!
{Cut back to Grindolo and The Pretender hiding backstage}
{{gd}} {whispering} That's our cue!
{Cut to the stage}
{{hr}} For our next activity, we'll be doing a prance. Everyone—
{{gd}} {offscreen} FREEZE!!
{Grindolo and The Pretender, as The Cheeser and The Chooser, walk onstage}
{{hr}} Ooh, what wonderful 'stumes. You get a gold star!!
{{pr}} These aren't costumes, we're The Cheeser and The Chooser! And we're invading this seminar!
{{gf}} Oh no, cheese that bites back?! MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!
{{hn}} The Chooser? More like The Pretender holding 2 signs.
{{pr}} SHUT UP, CHUMP!
{{hr}} Ooh, a cheeser and a chooser. Looks like you two could use a very important lesson!
{{gd}} NOOO!!
{{hr}} To learn how to be's and do's, I've requested a very special film for all you folks.
{{gd}} No, we're here to take over the seminar and get revenge on—
{{hr}} Sit down, you evil spirit and green robotm'n.
{{pr}} More like, you sit down!
{{hr}} That's very rude, and has cheese written all over it. There are some empty chairs in the back row. Please have a seat.
{The Cheeser and The Chooser grumble and go to the back row and sit down}
{{hr}} Now, hopefully you all like this instructional video! {presses play}
{Static cut to a blue background. Disco music plays as the "Embarassing Educational Films" logo plays. "LESSON 256: BE'SING A DO'SER" appears. Cut to a kid. Soft music plays.}
NARRATOR: Kids, have you ever gotten the sudden urge to cheese? {cheese slices start filling the screen} What about choose? {the kid tries to choose between slices} These are bad habits, folks. "What's the harm of a little cheese and choose?", you might ask. That's what I'm here to talk about today.
{Cut to a sad dog's head against a blue background. The words appear around it.}
NARRATOR: "Why Come Be'sing and Do'sing?"
{The words "Be'sing" and "Do'sing" appear next to the dog, causing him to look confused}
DOG: {in The Lenore Street Bridge's voice} Rut rhat ris re'sing rand ro'sing?
NARRATOR: That's a wonderful question, Poudog. Allow me to demonstrate with our two favorite boys... John and Gene.
{Cut to John and Gene}
NARRATOR: Now I'll let my colleague, Mr. Bad, do the talking.
{{sb}} {voiceover} Gene is a be's do'ser. He motivates himself to do all the things he needs to do, and that helps him live a successful life.
{Cut back to Gene}
{{sb}} Every morning, Gene gets inspiration from yesterday's be's do'sing, and uses it to get out of bed. The first thing he does is schedule and decide all of his be'sing and/or do'sing for the day. Once his schedule is complete, he uses it to spread happiness, motivation, and charm to everyone he meets.
{Cut back to John}
{{sb}}  Every morning, John lies in bed for ten hours and inhales fast food. He feeds off of draining phone batteries and cold cereal to survive. The first thing he does is stand around outside, cheesing everyone who walks by. Then he goes inside and chooses everything in his house.
GENE: Guess who's living the high life? Gene!
{{sb}} John is an indecisive mess who smells of gorgonzola.
{John burps}
{{sb}} What on Earth can John do to change his life around? Of course, be'sing and do'sing!
JOHN: What'sing and who'sing?
{{sb}} Be'sing...
{Text saying "Be'sing" appears next to John}
{{sb}} ...and Do'sing!
{Text saying "Do'sing" appears on the other side of John}
JOHN: But narrator man, how do I be's?
{{sb}} Well, John, be'sing is simple. You simply have to be's what you are!
JOHN: But... I don't know how to be's!
{{sb}} Start with yourself. Who are you?
JOHN: Um, I am be'sing John.
{John becomes slightly more clean}
{{sb}} That's right, that's right! Now keep going!
{John has become fully clean}
{{sb}} There we go!
JOHN: I am be'sing a new man!!
{{sb}} That's good, that's good! Now let's move onto your next lesson: do'sing!
JOHN: But Mr. Narratorm'n, how do's I do's?
{{sb}} Just do's the same thing you did's'd when you be's'd be'sing!
JOHN: You're very confusing.
{{sb}} Try it! Come on, do's it out!
JOHN: But how, though?
{{sb}} Just do's it to the left, and do's it to the right, far out! Feel your gumption, that's right, and you can capture your very own spice o' life. That's far out right.
JOHN: Wrong narrator voice.
{{sb}} Right. Sorry. Just do something, and say you're "do'sing" it.
JOHN: {taps his foot} I'm do'sing a tiny, tiny dance.
{{sb}} That's awes'mazing!
JOHN: I'm a champ!
{Static cut back to the stage; the projector turns off}
{{hr}} Now wasn't that edumacational?
{{pr}} You bet!
{{hr}} Now, creepym'n and robotm'n, do you understand the importance of be's/do's?
{{gd}} We certainly do! {ominous music plays as the camera zooms in; low voice} We will use our newfound knowledge of the hidden power of be'sing and do'sing to END the Broternal Order, once and for all. Mwa-hah-ha!
{{hn}} {{gf}} Mmmm... GULP!
{{gd}} {staring at the camera; fake actor voice} Thank you, Homestar Runner's Always Be'sing and Do'sing 3-Day Life Cleanse Seminar!
{The frame moves to the corner of the screen, and the rest of the screen is filled in blue, with text and phone numbers all throughout the screen.}
ANNOUNCER: That's right, Kenneth. You can change the world and yourself by attending the ABD Seminar this Tuesday-ish at 3:02! Just call 555-555-5?55 to find out more!! {quickly; quietly} ABD Seminar is not responsible for any injury or death that may occur as a result of be'sing and do'sing. Do not be's or do's in small, enclosed areas, or while wearing loose clothing. If you are under 23, always be's and do's under the supervision of someone cooler than you. Stop prank calling my house. My parents hate that.
{Cut to Honstlar and Gfd watching TV at the Pillquarters}
{{hn}} So, what do you think?
{{gf}} I don't seem to recall giving my permission for them to use our likeness in this commerciable.
{{hn}} I mean, should we attend the seminar?
{{gf}} Eh.
{Cut to a projector screen, with blue letters reading "end"}

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